Re-building Hope

I can’t think straight

because im broken inside

my heart feels no emotions at the moment

because darkness over powers my mind

My life, im frustrated at the chaotic mess

Every time I have Faith

I relapse…failing God’s test

Not intentionally, because that’s never the plan

Not a day goes by where I do not strive to be the best I can

Yet, at times I just feel so defeated

Like someone just cursed all my hopes and dreams…

And as much as I tell myself im not angry inside

Clearly…I must be

I notice that I contradict what I always preach

I know God must be disappointed in me

I recite inspiring words at any given moment

Yet, I fell to practice it knowing…I should

Once again not intentionally

However, mentally…I am confused

I visualized my dream, put forth my plan, started to become proactive…and then

The devil started to intervene throwing me off track

because he knows that financially I lack and this is a fact

So I started to doubt myself and my dreams

tears flooded my eyes…daily

I’m down but not out

I know prayer changes things without a doubt

God has to hear my cries at night…he must

because I don’t know how much longer I can continue to fight

I’m in battle with myself and sometimes I don’t know what to do

but thank God almighty, alcohol is no longer something I navigate too

Maybe there’s still hope…if I can learn to overcome these enemies in my life

Maybe there’s still hope…if  I can learn to stand strong through Christ

Because I’m not that mean, bitter person that some people make me out to be

My heart loves unconditionally and unselfishly

It just hurts that my daughter looks up to me…

And I can’t be the mother I always longed to be

She’s my everything, my precious joy and my cheesy pooh

The one who makes me smile and turn my days from stormy gray to sky blue

Just thinking about her erases all the pain and negative self-talk

So im a try harder to put my “pro-active” thinking into play

and try to build my personal esteem by thinking in a positive way.

Thank you for reading!!!

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4 thoughts on “Re-building Hope

  1. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt poem Ria. Sometimes it’s necessary to question and unlearn many of the things we are taught by those who disempower us with negative and denigrating beliefs and viewpoints. Claim your inner peace and embrace everything that you love and brings you joy. Life Itself will aid your intention to do this.

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